


creation myth

by Amber (popslash_archivist)



Category: Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 01:12:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18355559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popslash_archivist/pseuds/Amber





	creation myth

Justin hadn't seen JC in ages but when they went to get him at the airport it was like nothing had changed at all. JC was still exactly the same, a little quieter maybe, and Justin was glad when his mom said JC could stay with them for a while if he wanted to. Justin missed MMC a lot and having JC around made him remember how amazing it had all been, made him remember that yeah, it had been real and that once he'd had more to look forward to than six and a half hours of school five days a week.

JC said he'd be happy to stay for a little while. He said he didn't really have any plans. He said he thought maybe he might go to Nashville. Justin thought that sounded cool, but not as cool as where JC had been.

"You don't want to go back to LA?" he said. He wished he'd gotten to go to LA.

"No," JC said. "I mean, not now. It was--I don't know. Not what I was expecting."

"But you got to stay with Tony and everything. That must have been great."

"Yeah," JC said, and thanked Justin's mom for the iced tea she handed him. "It was. I stayed with my uncle for a while too. I hadn't seen him in years, so we did the family catch-up thing." He didn't sound very happy.

"You'll really like Nashville," Justin said. "Maybe I could go with you. Show you around and stuff."

"Maybe," JC said and Justin frowned because that didn't mean anything at all. "How's school going?"

Justin folded his hands in his lap and didn't look at his mother. "Fine," he said shortly.

"Oh," JC said and Justin could tell JC knew how weird it had all been, coming home and finding himself a regular kid again, stuck going to school everyday, stuck doing regular boring stuff. It was nice that someone finally understood.

"Maybe we could go for a little while," his mother said slowly, glancing a both of them. "A couple of days."

Justin smiled at her. He had the coolest mom ever.

 

 

JC had a necklace he wore all the time. Justin didn't remember it from the show, so he figured JC must have gotten it in LA. It was kind of cool even if it wasn't gold or anything.

"Where did you get your necklace?" Justin asked.

JC flinched and pulled his t-shirt down over his head.

"Changing," he said pointedly and Justin shrugged because JC was being a total girl. It wasn't like they all hadn't had to change in front of each other at some point or other on MMC.

"Seriously, where did you get it?"

"Someone gave it to me."

"Cool," Justin said. "Who?"

"It's real silver," JC said. "Melted down from a bullet. Neat, huh?"

Justin nodded. That was pretty neat. He'd never fired a gun before, although he probably could if he asked his grandfather or something. Maybe the next time he visited he'd--

"You wanna write for a while?" JC asked. "I thought of a chorus for something earlier."

Justin nodded. JC wrote a lot and sometimes Justin wrote with him. It was good practice, even if the songs they wrote sometimes kind of sucked, and would be way more fun than doing his government homework.

 

 

JC really did write a lot. He was always hunched over a notebook, scribbling stuff down. Sometimes he'd throw an arm over it if Justin walked by, like it was top secret or something. Once, because JC was being such a pain about it, refusing to tell him what he was doing, Justin went and peeked over and around his arm, trying to shove it out of the way. JC was pretty strong, but Justin saw a little bit of whatever it was JC was working on. He'd just written a bunch of numbers and under each one was a circle or part of one, sometimes colored in, sometimes not. Boring.

 

JC was just weird, Justin decided. But that was ok, because he was going to Nashville and Justin was going to go with him.

 

 

After a couple of days in Nashville, Justin's mom pulled him aside and said she thought that maybe they could stay for a while longer.

"This is what you were meant for," his mom said, and Justin knew that his mom understood everything, that she believed he could be a star. She really was the coolest mom ever. They went to look at apartments on the weekend. JC came along because he was looking for a place too.

"You could stay with us," Justin's mom said after they'd seen five apartments and JC had asked if there was anything cheaper each and every time.

"Wow," JC said. "That's really nice of you. But...maybe I should get my own place. You know, cause if I want to go out or--" He glanced at Justin. Justin rolled his eyes. You'd think JC thought he was six or something and didn't know what sex was.

"Honey," Justin's mom said, patting JC on the shoulder, "You're an adult. No overnight guests and just be quiet if you come in late, ok?"

"Oh," JC said. "Um, ok. Thanks," and Justin smiled to show that it was ok with him too.

He felt kind of bad for JC. JC didn't talk to his parents much and he hadn't even seen them since he left Florida. In fact, Justin had only heard JC talking to his parents once, had walked into the kitchen one afternoon when they were still in Nashville and saw JC hunched over the phone.

"You didn't tell me anything--" JC had said and even though he'd been practically whispering Justin could still tell he was mad. "The way I found out--god! And then what happened to Uncle Paul--couldn't you have at least warned me or--?" He saw Justin and said, "Never mind. Just--you should have told me," in a normal voice and hung up. JC's parents had called a couple of times after that, but JC always said he'd call them later and wouldn't even come to the phone.

 

 

JC was really easy to live with. In fact, he was really kind of boring. He was quiet and took naps and made his bed every day. Justin hated making his bed and really hated it when his mother would glance pointedly inside JC's room and then at his. JC didn't even go out all that much, which Justin thought was crazy because if he could, he'd go out every night. As it was, he had to wait for his mom to fall asleep just so he could sneak out to the living room and watch tv. All the good stuff always came on after midnight.

He fell asleep after the end of Letterman one night and woke up when the front door opened. He hadn't known JC had even gone out and was surprised to see him walk inside and close the door carefully, slumping back against it and running his hands through his hair. He looked like he'd seen a ghost or something, looked sort of scared. But he looked kind of mad too, his face full of strange focused light Justin had never seen in JC before. It was kind of creepy.

"Hey," Justin said, and JC blinked, straightened up.

"Hey," he said, and he looked like the JC Justin knew again, tired and harmless. "What are you doing up?"

"Just watching some tv. You want some milk or something?"

JC let out an odd strangled noise. It took Justin a second to realize it was a laugh of sorts. "Sure," JC said.

He drank his milk fast, sitting next to Justin on the sofa. His hands were stained dark brown red in places and left odd smeared marks on his glass, and his black t-shirt was spotted with patches of stiffening damp. He smelled funny too, stank of a sort of sweet metallic odor that made Justin's nose wrinkle.

"You stink," he said and started to poke at one of the patches. "What happened?"

JC stood up and took his glass to the kitchen. "I went to a club. There was a lot of smoke and stuff. And then it rained on the way home and--"

"No it didn't."

"You probably slept through it," JC said. He walked back towards his bedroom. "'Night Justin."

"'Night," Justin said and lay back down on the sofa, changing the tv channel. The smell was a lot better now that JC was gone. Maybe he'd been petting a wet dog or something because there was a whole bunch of short silvery black hairs on the sofa. Justin brushed them off as best he could. His mom didn't like the furniture getting messed up and they were still paying for the sofa.

 

 

JC said he was thinking about maybe going back to Orlando.

"Nashville isn't really--" He cleared his throat. "My voice isn't really cut out for country, I don't think."

Justin nodded. His didn't seem to be either. He and JC had made a couple of demos and gone on bunches of auditions but they hadn't gotten much work at all. A couple of background sessions, and Justin had done a little voiceover work, but that was it. He looked at his mom.

"Don't ask," she said, but she was smiling, and Justin knew that meant she was thinking about it. She missed Orlando too. They talked about it sometimes.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I might be leaving," JC said. "I gotta go out for a while and, um--."

"Have fun," Justin's mom said.

JC blinked. For a moment Justin thought there were tears in his eyes but then JC said, "I will," in a firm voice and whistled softly under his breath as he walked out the door and Justin figured he was wrong.

His mom hummed the same song as they were washing dishes later. Justin hated washing dishes, but the dishwasher was broken again. In Orlando they probably could find a place with a dishwasher that worked. He made sure to mention that. His mother kept humming but grinned at him as she passed him a plate.

"What song is that?" he asked.

"Peter and the Wolf," she said. "We used to have that tape of it, remember? I lent it to JC a while ago. He said it helps him fall asleep." She passed him another plate.

"I bet it's really warm and sunny in Orlando right now," he said. His mother smiled again.

 

 

Orlando was awesome. Justin went to three auditions and got three callbacks the first week they were there. JC only got one but he seemed pretty happy.

"I didn't realize how tense you were in Nashville," Justin's mother said to him one night. "But you just look so much happier here. You really did miss Orlando a lot, didn't you?"

"Yeah," JC said. "I did. There haven't been any--it's just, this is like home, you know? Safe. I mean, familiar. I understand everything. No surprises."

Justin's mom squeezed JC's hand and then passed Justin the salad.

 

 

"Come to think of it, you look pretty happy here too," she said to Justin, walking into the kitchen when he and JC were loading the dishwasher. She kissed the top of his head, like he was a baby or something, and then gave him a hug. Justin knew her being happy that he was happy was good, that they were probably going to stay, but still. He wasn't a little kid.

"Mommmmmmmm," he said, and she frowned a little but then sighed and let him go, went back out into the living room to watch tv.

"She's really cool," JC said quietly and then Justin felt bad so he glared at JC a little.

JC wasn't looking at him. He was putting glasses in the dishwasher, carefully lining them up. Justin hadn't realized it before, but his mom was right. JC hadn't been happy in Nashville at all. He looked less--something now. Less tense, maybe.

"We're gonna totally get something amazing," Justin said. "Better than MMC, even. I can just tell. It's like destiny or something."

"Destiny?" JC said. "Nah. We're going to---we're going to do it on our own. Destiny sort of means no choice, you know? We've got choices."

"Sure, whatever. All that matters is we're going to be superstars. Megastars!"

JC closed the dishwasher, one hand rising to fiddle with his necklace for a second. Then he stopped, shoved it under the neck of his t-shirt.

"Yep," he said.

 

 

Justin met Chris at an audition. It was for a commercial, an open call, and there were over three hundred people there. When Chris sat down next to Justin and introduced himself he sounded like he had a cold, sniffed like people did when they forgot to carry Kleenex. Great, Justin thought and looked around for somewhere else to sit. Two weeks ago he'd wound up sitting next to a kid who'd thrown up everywhere right before Justin had been called back to read. Three days later Justin had woken up with the flu. He was just getting over it. And he hadn't gotten the part either.

"These open calls suck," Chris said and Justin nodded because they really kind of did. They talked for a while, nothing big, just the usual what have you done sort of stuff. Justin was glad he hadn't gotten up to find another seat though. He liked that Chris didn't talk to him like he was a kid, didn't ask about school or anything like that, didn't smile meanly and say "You've done a lot for someone so young," which was code for "You're a little prick who won't ever get work once you grow out of being cute." Chris said he worked for Universal, singing in some music review. Then he said,

"I'm thinking of starting a group. Just singing, you know?"

"Yeah?" Justin said. That sounded kind of cool.

"Yeah," Chris said.

He had some pretty good ideas, talked about stuff Justin hadn't ever really thought about because on MMC everything was set up by the studio, stuff like what record companies were looking to sign pop acts and how overseas there was a huge audience for pop music. He knew people too, said he even knew Lou Pearlman ("Well, sort of," he said. "I've met him a couple of times.") Justin was even more interested after that. Everyone in Orlando knew who Lou was.

"Sounds pretty good," he said.

"We'd need to find some more people, though," Chris said. "I thought about taking out an ad or something but--" He shrugged. "You know how it is."

Justin didn't, but he didn't say that. "I know someone," he said instead. "This guy, JC. He'd be awesome. We've sung together before. I've got a tape--" He dug around in his bag, pulled out a copy of one of the demo tapes they'd made in Nashville and handed it to Chris.

"Cool," Chris said. He turned the tape over and peered at the label JC had typed up and put on it. "Justin Timberlake and JC C--" Justin got ready to correct him. Everyone fucked up JC's last name.

"Chasez," Chris said slowly, and he got it right.

"Yeah," Justin said. "Most people never say it right. I guess maybe you saw him on MMC? I told you about how I was on there too, right? It was really cool."

"What?" Chris said. "Oh. Right. MMC. Sure. Chasez isn't a last name you forget, you know? Can I keep this?"

Justin nodded and wrote down his phone number for Chris when he asked. Chris said he figured staying at the audition was a waste of time, but that he was glad he'd met Justin and that he'd call him soon and they could talk more about setting up a group. It was all very cool. Justin didn't even mind that the casting director took one look at him and said, "Too young," without even asking him to read.

 

 

JC shrugged when Justin told him what happened and said not to get too excited about it. "Everyone always wants to start a group," he said. "Did you hear him sing?"

Justin had to shake his head no because he hadn't, and then JC said, "Well, if he calls, ask him to sing something first, ok?" and Justin said, "Fine, fine," and wished that JC wasn't always so practical. A group would be cool and he knew Chris was the kind of guy who could make things happen. He could just tell.

 

 

Chris called a couple of days later and the first thing Justin did was ask him to sing something. Chris laughed and said, "Ok, sure." He sounded good, really good. Justin grinned triumphantly at JC, who was listening in on the cordless.

See, Justin mouthed at him. I told you so. JC smiled at him.

"Maybe we could all meet up," Chris said. "Let me give you my number, and you can talk to JC and see what he wants to do. I gotta go to work later but now I've got some time so if you want you can call me back and maybe--"

"You could come over here," Justin said. "JC's staying with me and my mom right now."

"Oh," Chris said. "I--well, like I said, I gotta go to work. So. You know that diner with that big sign, right near Universal? We could meet there. Like in an hour?"

 

 

JC drove to the diner. They got lost twice and got there twenty minutes late. Justin was afraid Chris would have left but he was there, sitting in a booth drinking a cup of coffee and drumming his fingers on the table. He didn't wave or smile but Justin saw relief in his eyes and it was so cool that Chris wanted him (and ok, JC) in the group bad enough to wait.

"That's him?" JC said. He sounded surprised, but not in a really good way. But then JC wasn't big on surprises or new people or really, anything fun.

"Yeah, come on," Justin said.

JC grabbed his arm. "Go get in the car," he said and his voice was low and fast, serious. Justin hadn't known JC could sound so...something. Different.

"What? No!" He tried to move away but JC wouldn't let go of his arm.

There were a lot of things Justin was used to. Waiting for hours just for thirty seconds of conversation with someone who might give him a job. The claw-like gestures of fans that he remembered from his time on MMC, hands that petted and poked and pinched and sometimes grabbed with an intensity that took some getting used to. But JC standing there, one hand clamped around Justin's arm, and his face twisting up with an odd mix of terror and anger -- that actually scared him.

"Justin, please just listen to me," JC said and he was talking really fast, like he did when he was nervous, and somehow that made Justin even more scared. "Go and get--"

Chris stood up, started walking towards them, and suddenly JC shoved him backwards hard, hissed, "Car! Now!" at him.

Justin thought ok, maybe he should go and go *right now.* Because JC pushing him and before, with the arm grabbing--Justin liked surprises fine, he thought they were fun even, but this freaked out JC wasn't fun at all. He stumbled back a step, catching his hip on a table. He heard the shocked murmur of voices and then the tinkling thud of glass falling.

"Sorry," he said automatically and turned to apologize again.

The old woman and man whose table he'd hit said they were fine, waved fluttery wrinkled hands at him and looked helplessly at the fast-moving streams of water running across their table. Justin felt some of the--not quite fear, really, more a feeling that he'd walked into something he didn't quite understand --fall away, reached out and straightened the glasses that had fallen over, then grabbed some napkins to mop up the water. He wondered why he'd thought leaving was such a good idea. He really wanted the whole group thing. He thought it sounded so cool. He apologized to the old people one last time and then turned away, looking for JC.

JC had walked forward a bit and Chris was standing sort of near him but not quite. They were standing a little too far apart to be really talking. It was odd because they actually were talking, and even odder was that JC looked--it was stupid to think it, because JC was the nicest person Justin had ever met and wouldn't hurt anyone ever--but JC looked kind of almost dangerous or something.

"I know exactly who you are," JC said and he didn't even sound like himself, his voice gone all hard-edged and suspicious.

"Just hear me out," Chris said. "I know who you are too, ok? Don't you want to know why I wanted to meet you? You can't think I had anything planned--not now, during the day. Not when the moon isn't even--"

"Hey," Justin said and JC turned towards him, eyes blazing. Justin ignored him, even though this JC was making him kind of really nervous, and elbowed him in the side. "You knocked me into that table, man."

"Sorry," JC said but he didn't sound sorry at all. "Go get in the car."

"Don't you want something more than what you're supposed to be?" Chris said. "Don't you want a chance to be something else? If we worked together we could--"

JC looked away from Justin and back at Chris. "If we  _worked_  together?"

"We could help each other," Chris said quickly. "Just think--"

"We're going," JC said shortly. "Now."

"No," Justin said, because ok, Chris had approached  _him_  about the group and not JC and it wasn't fair that no one was even talking to him. And he was kind of mad about the shoving thing too. He went and sat down in the booth. After a moment, Chris sat down across from him, drumming his fingers on the table again. Justin could hear his leg tapping the floor too.

JC sat down next to Justin and glared at him. He looked furious.

"Talk," he said, turning to Chris. "And then--" He looked at Justin and Justin actually had to look away because wow, he hadn't known JC could get so mad. "We're leaving."

 

 

Chris's plan was simple and that was good because at first he talked so fast Justin couldn't quite catch everything he said. He thought maybe Chris was kind of nervous which was weird because who got nervous around JC? The gist of his plan seemed to be: find two more guys, get someone to rep them, get a record deal. He ran through it again, slower this time, and sounded so confident that Justin found himself thinking yeah, it could be that easy. Wow. Chris was the coolest.

"We could totally do it," he said excitedly and turned to JC.

"First, don't try that voice shit on me," JC said, and he wasn't looking at Justin at all, seemed to have forgotten he was there. "Second, if this is some kind of game--" His voice was very quiet but the hard edge that Justin had never heard before today was still there.

"It's not," Chris said, and his voice was suddenly equally hard.

"I don't trust you," JC said.

"I didn't fucking ask you to," Chris snapped. "I'm asking you to think about it. I need someone like you and god, do you think I'd actually meet you if I wasn't--" His mouth compressed into a thin line and he looked down at the table.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Justin said, irritated that both JC and Chris seemed to have forgotten he was there. "We try and if it doesn't work, so what?"

"I don't..." JC said, but he didn't sound as sure or as angry as he had before.

"Just think about it," Chris said and stood up. He wrote his phone number down on a napkin, put it on the table. Justin grabbed it before JC could and put it in his pocket.

"We'll totally think about it," he said, and watched Chris leave.

"God, JC," he said once Chris had gone. "What is your prob--?"

"You should have gone and gotten in the car when I told you to," JC said wearily.

"Oh fuck you," Justin said and JC looked so shocked that Justin laughed. JC's mouth pinched up and he looked down at the table.

"Sorry," Justin mumbled. "It's just--Chris seems to know what he's doing, you know?"

"I suppose you could say that," JC muttered. "Let's just go, ok?"

 

 

On the way home JC said he didn't want to talk about Chris or the possibility of a group at all, and hollered at Justin whenever he tried to mention it. He also ran through two stop signs and a red light.

"Light," Justin said snidely after they'd passed under it and a bunch of people had honked at them. JC glanced over at him. He looked startled, like he'd forgotten Justin was there. Again.

"Sorry," he said and this time he sounded like he sort of meant it. "I was just looking--" He gestured out the windshield.

"Uh huh," Justin said. "Like you haven't ever seen it get dark before. Whatever." JC was so weird. And stupid. He looked out the window. The moon was a pale thin curve low in the sky, barely visible amid all the neon lights of the city.

 

 

He told his mom about Chris's idea when he got home. His mother said she thought it sounded like it could be a good opportunity.

"See," Justin said, and glared at JC.

JC stared back at him steadily for a moment.

"I'm kind of tired," he finally said, and went back to his room.

"I don't see why you won't even think about it!" Justin hollered after him and then slumped down on the sofa. His mother patted his arm and told him to give JC some time.

JC was still up when Justin went to bed. He fell asleep listening to the echo of JC's footsteps as he paced back and forth across his bedroom floor.

 

 

JC actually called his parents. Justin couldn't hear what JC said to them though because JC talked to them in his room with the door closed and a towel rolled up against the bottom of it, closing the gap between it and the floor. When Justin thought about it, it was kind of weird that JC felt like he had to have total privacy to talk to his parents. How top-secret could a conversation with parents be? They only ever talked about boring stuff, in Justin's opinion. But then JC was always acting like stuff was mysterious and everything, like with his journal of circles that he wouldn't let Justin see.

It was also kind of embarrassing that he'd known Justin was going to try to listen.

 

 

JC wrote out a list of reasons for and against a group. Justin knew that because he happened to see it. He wasn't even looking for it or anything. He just happened to be looking at JC's bed to see how he got all the covers to lie so nice and straight and flat. And then he just happened to look under JC's mattress. And then under the bed. And then in the closet, under JC's shoes, which was where Justin found JC's journal. Justin flipped through the pages of dates and circles, got bored and started to put the notebook back.

The list was towards the back, written out in tiny print instead of JC's usual loopy scrawl. Reasons Against A Group was short. There were only two things listed. 'Justin's safety' was one, which made Justin feel kind of mad and--well, mostly just kind of mad. He already had a mother. He didn't need another one. Reason two was just one word. CHRIS. Justin couldn't say he was all that surprised. JC hadn't seemed to like Chris much.

Reasons For A Group was even shorter. There was only one thing listed.

Because It's Something I Choose.

 

 

"Ok," JC said a few days later. He looked terrible, like he hadn't slept at all. Justin didn't think he had. He'd heard JC pacing around every night, all night. "We'll try it. The group thing, I mean."

"I'll call Chris, " Justin said. "I hope he hasn't found someone else. It would suck if he had." He glared at JC.

"Don't worry," JC said. "He'll still be interested."

 

 

Jason, the guy Joey knew, didn't work out because Jason said practicing six or eight hours a day was crazy. He also told Joey that JC was seriously weird. Justin was sure he wasn't supposed to hear any of what Jason was saying but Jason was loud and Justin could hear him talking even though he was sitting outside the warehouse waiting for Joey to give him a ride home.

"Chris is ok," Jason said. "I mean, he's a freak about practicing and all but JC...something is seriously wrong with that guy."

"He's a little intense," Joey said. "But man, I've known him for years. He's a good guy."

"He hates Chris," Jason said. "And I don't care how hard we all work, no one's gonna want to see us sing if JC looks like he's ready to murder Chris if he misses a step or whatever. It's creepy."

"What are you talking about?" Joey said.

Justin knew what Jason was talking about and he bet Joey did too. JC and Chris didn't like each other. They avoided each other. How they managed to do it, Justin didn't know, but they did. And it was true that JC watched Chris, watched Chris like he was waiting for him to do something. Chris seemed unfazed by it, although Justin had seen Chris watching JC intently almost as often as JC watched him, his eyes darkening whenever JC would worry his fingers around his necklace. And JC did that a lot.

It  _was_  weird, Justin thought. But Jason was wrong. People were going to want to see them. Justin was sure of it. They sounded so good when they sang. Still, he was glad when Joey told JC and Chris why Jason quit.

"He thinks you two are fucking up the group," Joey said. "And just... look, Jason couldn't hack the practices. We all know that. That's mostly why he quit. But he's right about you two. And since I'm working my ass off for this I'm not letting you screw everything up because you've had an argument or something."

JC and Chris both looked startled. Wow, Justin thought. He'd thought Joey was a lot of fun but hadn't thought he was all that smart. But he really sort of was. He looked at Joey admiringly. Joey winked at him and then turned back to JC and Chris.

"So go out," he said. "Talk, whatever, I don't care. Just get over yourselves."

"What, tonight?" Chris said, and there was worry in his voice. Justin looked over at him, surprised, and saw that Chris actually looked kind of nervous. He looked over at JC. JC looked even weirder, sort of terrified and something sort of not, something kind of like...Justin didn't know. Like hope but darker. He didn't have a name for it.

"Yes, duh," Joey said. "It's not like either one of you has anything better to do. God knows you two freaks can't ever get anyone to go out with you or anything."

"But--" Chris said.

"Ok," JC said.

Chris's mouth fell open. "Ok," he echoed faintly.

"Good," Joey said.

 

 

JC didn't come home that night. When he showed up the next morning a few minutes after practice was supposed to start there were huge circles under his eyes and a bruise on the right side of his face, up near his temple.

"It's nothing," he said when Justin asked him about it, and then wanted to know why they hadn't gone ahead and started practicing. Justin didn't think the bruise on JC's face was nothing, but it was kind of hard to talk when they were running through routines. And JC really didn't look like he wanted to talk.

Chris showed up when they were halfway through the second song. He looked fine but he was quiet, very quiet, and refused to take off the long sleeved shirt he was wearing even though it was a million degrees and Justin could see that he had another t-shirt on underneath.

"I'm fine," Chris said sharply when Justin asked him about it for the third time and Joey had added, "Yeah, seriously man, you don't want to pass out or something,"

JC said, "Guys. Just leave him alone."

Joey smiled at that and gave Justin a thumbs up. Justin returned the gesture but didn't quite mean it.

 

 

Lou was ok. He watched them sing a couple of times before he agreed to rep them, which Justin found nerve-wracking, especially since JC and Chris were all quiet and Justin ended up doing most of the talking. Lou sweated while he was talking too, which Justin thought was gross, but he did find Lance through Justin's old vocal coach and that was cool because they hadn't had any luck finding a replacement for Jason until then.

He set up a lot of stuff for them, interviews and appearances, made sure they all took voice lessons and practiced with actual choreographers. They did a couple of photshoots too, which were kind of boring and nothing special until the one where he insisted that they take some pictures without their shirts on and Lance got all freaked out. Justin didn't get that because who cared if he wasn't wearing a shirt? It wasn't like he was naked or anything.

But Lance flat out refused, going pale when Chris whispered something to him and then saying, "I'm sorry, I just can't," and so they all ended up standing around while Lou hollered. The photographer smoked a lot and reminded Lou that he'd charge extra for any session that lasted more than an hour. That made Lou holler even more. Lance apologized again and Chris said it was ok, that he wouldn't take off his shirt either. He said he was expressing solidarity.

"Chris," Lou said threateningly, "quit goofing off." JC nodded and started to say something too but Chris glanced over at him and JC closed his mouth with an audible click.

"Maybe Lance doesn't realize--" Lou said, but Joey told him not to worry, went over and talked to Lance, got him to take his shirt off. Justin had already figured out that Lance would do pretty much anything Joey would ask. He hadn't figured Joey had noticed that too.

Chris muttered "traitor," under his breath once Lance was shirtless and Justin couldn't tell if he was kidding or not, watched as Chris yanked his shirt up and over his head. Justin decided that he didn't know what Chris's problem was. His chest looked fine, nice even, and then Justin had to shove his hand in his pockets and think about math for a minute.

The photographer said, "Finally!" and started ordering them around. Justin went and stood where he was supposed to because the sooner they were done the sooner they could go and the photoshoot had already lasted a gazillion times too long in his opinion. Chris just stood there, looking kind of scared and mad and then he looked over at JC, lifted his chin up a bit, and turned away, like he was going to grab some water.

Lou start to holler at Chris and Justin saw his mouth fall open really wide and move like a fish's, no sound coming out of it. He thought maybe Chris had a really huge tattoo on his back or something. He knew Chris liked tattoos. He remembered everything Chris had ever told him. Chris's back was bare though, and Justin didn't see what the big deal was.

And then he saw it. In the middle of Chris's back, right between his shoulder blades, was a triangular patch of hair. It was light colored, a pale pale silver threaded through with a few strands of black. It should have been ugly looking. It wasn't. It gleamed. Justin wanted to touch it.

"What the hell?" Lou said. He looked horrified. Justin didn't get that. A quick glance at Lance and Joey showed similar expressions on their faces and JC...

JC's face was blank. His mouth was a straight line, his nose and cheekbones counterpoints above it. But his eyes--JC's eyes were crazy. He didn't look surprised at all. Instead his eyes looked hot and ice cold at the same time, a million different expressions warring in them, and his hands were clenched into twitching fists by his sides, like he wanted to do something but couldn't, wouldn't. Justin couldn't tell what JC wanted, and it was too much for him to look at it. He glanced back at Chris. Chris had turned back around, his mouth set in an odd frozen smirk.

"We'd better take the pictures," he said, and his voice was really soft but totally sure at the same time. Justin realized Chris was right. They did totally need to take the pictures and all this standing around was--

"I...I don't..." Lou said. "What the is that on your--?"

"Let's take the pictures, " JC said, and his voice was flat but strong, commanding. Justin found himself lining up with everyone else, watched as the photographer blinked like he was waking up or trying to, told them where to stand and then started taking pictures. Lou looked like he'd fallen asleep, stood watching them blinking slowly and sleepily. Justin thought that maybe he should say something, but he couldn't think of what or why. It was easier to look at the camera instead, and so he did.

 

 

Lou didn't even seem to really notice the pictures when they got the proofs back, haphazardly spread out a set for everyone to look at the end of a PR meeting. Everyone looked through them quickly and then went on to look at the next set, but Justin found himself pulling them out of the pile on the table, somehow drawn to them. His favorite was the one of him and Chris, Chris standing behind him and touching his shoulder, both of them looking at the camera.

The one he liked least was of JC and Chris. They were both looking at each other and they weren't smiling, were just staring at each other. They looked like they'd forgotten the camera was even there.

"See," Lou said, picking the photo out of Justin's hand. "This is the kind of thing we don't want. It's worthless. You two didn't look at the camera, didn't engage the audience." He tossed the photo down on the table. JC and Chris both looked at the picture briefly, and then JC slid another on top of it, looking quickly at Chris as he did.

Justin was glad when Lou took the photos away and passed out their schedule for next week.

 

 

JC went out two nights before they left for Germany and came back red-faced and carrying a brown paper bag. Joey saw him come in and started teasing him, asking what he'd bought. Justin looked up from his homework but didn't get up when Lance did. Joey and Lance hadn't learned everything about JC yet. Justin, however, could tell JC was really mad just from the way he was standing. He knew JC, and JC in a bad mood wasn't something he wanted to deal with. Even though JC was really good-natured when he did get really angry it was kind of scary. He didn't hit or even shout but he could still sometimes make you feel like he was five seconds away from seriously hurting you.

"What's in the bag?" Joey asked and pulled it out of JC's hands, peering inside. "Kinky," he said a moment later, a touch of surprise in his voice, and then laughed, pulled out a set of what looked like handcuffs but were broader, thicker. "I didn't know you had it you but man--"

JC moved towards him, a sudden, convulsive movement, and then Joey was on the floor curled up in a ball. "What the hell?" he said weakly. Lance bent down to help him up, his face pale.

"Sorry," JC said, and sounded like he might cry. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to--I just wasn't thinking ---are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Joey said weakly. "Don't be such a girl." He stood up slowly, swaying back and forth alarmingly, his face a sickly yellow-green hue. Justin saw he was really leaning against Lance.

"I was just kidding, ok?" Joey continued. "Seriously, it's cool. I mean, whatever you--"

"Sorry," JC said again and he did look sorry but there was something else in his eyes, tamped down but still there. Justin was doubly glad he hadn't gotten up. He watched as JC stuffed everything back in the bag and then went to his room. He could hear the handcuff things clinking as JC walked.

"So. um. I guess JC uh---" Lance said and then flushed. Joey patted him on the shoulder and then staggered over to the armchair Justin's mom had gotten cheap at the Salvation Army, sliding down into it with a pinched look on his face.

"So," Joey said and turned to Justin. "How's the homework going?"

"I can't do any of these stupid problems."

"Let me see," Joey said and Justin smiled and passed him his algebra book. He knew when a subject change was needed. And he'd get his homework done sooner if Joey helped him.

 

 

Justin thought Europe was pretty cool even if he actually hadn't seen all that much of it. They spent a ton of time in Germany, which looked small on maps but was a lot larger when you were driving back and forth across it over and over again. They spent a lot of time on the bus too, which was way cool at first but less cool after a while because even thought they had two buses for the five of them they mostly ended up using just one and there wasn't all that much room and you could only see so much out the windows.

Justin felt like he was getting a glimpse tour of Europe, seeing only bits and pieces of all the cool stuff that was out there. Chris insisted they all get one day off each month to "sightsee and stuff" and Justin thought he was awesome for that, for making sure that they got more than glimpses of Europe at least once in a while.

Chris usually picked their day off, although once in a while JC did. Normally that would have made Justin mad because it was kind of unfair -- after all, he couldn't help how old he was or wasn't and he wished he got to pick the day off at least sometimes. But then Chris always told Justin about cool stuff he could go see no matter what town they were in and Justin liked that, how much Chris knew about everything, and how he didn't brag about it or stuff, just shared it.

And sometimes--the best times--Chris would take him out and show him the stuff he'd talked about, buy him lunch and grin when Justin would crack up at his jokes. Justin liked hanging out with Chris. He was a lot of fun. He was always fun around other people, of course--they all were; knew instinctively that the way to hook people was to make them smile--but even away from other people Chris could be fun, was someone Justin wanted to hang out with.

JC never did anything fun during their days off, would vanish to take one of his all day 'naps' and not show up until way later, just in time to go out with Chris at night. JC and Chris always went out at night when they had a day off and didn't ever invite anyone else to go with them. Justin thought that was mean but Joey said it was good that JC and Chris were at least hanging out sometimes and would look kind of pointedly at Justin when he said it and then tickle him till Justin was laughing so hard he'd forget that he was upset in the first place.

 

 

Getting up in the middle of the night on the bus was a real pain in the ass and when Justin woke up he was sorry he'd had all that soda before he'd gone to bed. But he couldn't have let Lance drink all of it. It was a matter of principle. He got out of bed slowly and still hit his head on the bunk anyway.

As he made his way down the hallway he realized that JC and Chris were still up, sitting in the way back. Justin couldn't see them, but he could hear them. It sounded like they were arguing.

"It's working out ok," Chris said. "Don't you think that --?"

"I'm never going to think--"

"What?"

"It's never going to be--we're not going to be *friends*," JC said. "Who I am and what you--"

"Who. Who I am."

"What," JC said firmly.

"Oh. ok. I see. You get to have the final say in all of this? I would think you of all people would understand that sometimes you can't choose--"

"You can't even begin to understand the choices I've made."

"Oh, right. I couldn't possibly understand. I mean, I'm just a *thing*, right? And so that makes you what? Some great hero? You gonna save the world from me? Is that your destiny?"

"Shut up," JC said shakily. "You don't know--"

"And you don't know," Chris said. "You think I'm happy about who I am? You think all of this is for you, 'cause you want something more? You think this music thing is what? A vacation for me? I can't want to be different too?"

"It's not the same."

"It's exactly the same."

JC laughed, low and mean. "Sure it is. I protect people and you--"

"I'm a person, JC. Why is that so hard for you to--?"

'I know what I've seen," JC said firmly.

"Oh yeah? Well, guess what? I'm a person, JC. Yeah, even then. And don't--you know I can't help it. Can you help what you are?"

"You don't care. You just--"

"Of course I care," Chris said sharply. "Why do you think I want you around? You think I enjoy having you watch me, fucking *hoping* I screw up---?"

The bus rounded a corner and Justin lost his balance, bumped into the wall. JC and Chris fell silent and Justin turned and ran back to his bunk, climbing in it just as JC appeared in the hallway. Justin couldn't see him but he could tell JC was upset from the way he was breathing, little rapid hitches, could hear it in the way JC was moving the pendant on his necklace back and forth over and over again.

 

 

Justin could tell the club was going to be amazing the second he and Joey walked inside and he was so glad Joey had told his mom he'd keep an eye on him right before she'd started to say no. Lance's mom hadn't been convinced but then Lance's mom wasn't as cool as his. Joey convincing his mother to let him come along almost made up for how JC was acting. Almost.

JC had been ok earlier, even loaning Justin a shirt to wear when he found out Justin was going with them, but the minute they'd gotten to the club he'd freaked out and pulled Joey aside. Justin heard him saying, "Whose idea was it to come here? Chris's? And where is Chris?"

"Damn, ouch, JC!" Joey said, and shoved him. "Me and Chris, we met this guy when we were getting those stupid papers Lou wanted and--"

"A guy?"

"Yes. Jesus. A guy. I think he thought Chris was cute. Who cares? Let's go. Chris is already inside."

JC opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "Go back to the hotel," he told Justin.

"No way," Justin said, ignoring JC's frown and heading for the door. JC grabbed him and started walking towards a taxi.

"Jesus, JC," Joey said. "Chill. People are staring and shit. I'll keep an eye on him, ok? Take him back to the hotel or whatever."

"Good," JC said, "Leave now," and went into the club.

Joey smiled down at Justin. "He's worse than any mother, huh?"

"God yes," Justin said. "What the hell is his problem?"

Joey shrugged. "Who knows? He probably didn't get his nap. Come on." He waved the taxi away and they went inside.

 

 

Justin looked for Chris first and saw him sitting at a table, tapping his fingers on it and looking around the room. He was smiling and he looked really happy, almost scary happy even, his grin huge like he couldn't control it. Justin blinked a little but then Chris saw them and waved and by the time they got over to where he was and sat down Chris looked ok, a little distracted maybe, and Justin figured he was imagining things.

He looked around for JC next, but not very hard and was actually kind of disappointed when he saw JC making his way across the dance floor. JC looked like he was still in a really bad mood. A couple of people said something to him as he passed by and he stopped, stared at them and then tilted his chin up and said something, gesturing with his arms out like he was waiting. They turned away, shrugging like nothing was wrong, but Justin saw them looking after JC once he started walking again. They weren't normal glances either, not like how people looked when they stopped them to ask for autographs and stuff. It was different, even though Justin couldn't figure out exactly how. He tried to ask Joey about it, but Joey had already met a girl and was talking to her, which meant he wouldn't notice anything. And Chris was staring at the bar and didn't even look at Justin when he cleared his throat.

"What the hell are you doing?" JC said when he got to the table. Justin stared at him, confused because duh, wasn't it obvious? He was trying to have a good time. Then he realized JC wasn't talking to him.

"I don't know," Chris said, and Justin could tell he was lying. He could see it in the way Chris kept looking around the table but not actually at anyone. If he didn't know better, he would think Chris wasn't happy to see any of them. JC he could understand. But why wouldn't Chris want to hang out with Joey? Or him?

"You don't know?" JC said and sat down, staring at Chris with anger and something almost like hope in his eyes. He turned his chair so his back was to Justin and looked out at the dance floor. "Maybe you'll figure it out." Chris, who was staring over at the bar again, glanced sharply at JC, who gave him a glacial smile and turned to Joey.

"Fucking take Justin and go," he shouted. Joey shook his head like he couldn't hear and winked at Justin over JC's head before turning back to the girl, who was now sitting on his lap.

A new song started and the club's lights flashed, illuminating everything for just a second. Justin could see tons of people out on the dance floor. Most of them were looking over at their table. That was cool, he thought. Maybe some of them would ask for autographs. Then the lights flashed again and Justin was less sure about everything. The people that were watching them looked kind of scared and angry. And they were mostly looking at JC.

"Ok," Chris said sharply. "We should go." Justin looked over at him, surprised. Chris was looking at JC, and he looked mad. No surprise there, Justin thought. JC could ruin anything. He started to get up and as he did someone at the table next to him stood up too and an elbow hit the back of his head hard. He heard his jaw click together and saw stars, red-yellow and blurred.

"Justin?" JC said and Justin heard panic in his voice. He nodded to show he was ok and rubbed the back of his head. His fingers came away wet dark and sticky and his heart started hammering hard and fast and his stomach clenched up. It hadn't been an elbow, he realized. He'd been hit by someone's beer glass. That combined with the way everyone at the club had been looking over at them, their narrowed gazes on JC--something was wrong, he realized. Really wrong.

"Shit," JC said when he saw Justin's fingers, and that freaked Justin out more, the world of worry in JC's voice conveyed by that one word.

"Hold still," JC said and his hands were gripping Justin's neck tightly. Out of the corner of his eye Justin saw that someone had walked up to Chris, was talking to him. JC's fingers pressed against the sore spot on his scalp, making Justin wince in pain. When he opened his eyes again, Chris was gone.

"Thank god," JC said, but he didn't sound all that relieved. "It's nothing major. We really need to go and--fuck. Joey. Joey! Where the hell is Chris?"

"What?" Joey said irritably. He had lipstick around his mouth. Justin didn't think he was going to want to leave anytime soon.

"Where did Chris go?" JC said.

"I'm not a babysitter," Joey said. "And in case you hadn't noticed--" JC touched Joey's elbow. "Motherfucker! What is it with you and the death grip, JC? That fucking hurt!"

"Where. is. Chris?" JC said.

"He went over towards the bar," Joey said. "And he was talking to the guy we met earlier. There, are you happy now? That enough of a report for you, you uptight--"

"Shut up," JC said, and Joey shut up.

Chris was over by the bar. And he was talking to someone. No one special, Justin thought, and wished Chris had gone outside to get them a taxi. In fact, the guy looked like his nose had been broken at some point, was sort of flat and squashed looking, and his teeth were terrible, all pointed like he'd filed them down to points. Justin would never ever understand the German idea of style. The only thing Justin could see that the guy had going for him was that he was talking to Chris and that he had a necklace that was sort of like Chris's. Although now that Justin looked around, lots of people in the club seemed to have them. Huh, he thought. That's kind of--and then the guy reached out and touched Chris's face, cupping the side of his jaw, and Chris closed his eyes and leaned in.

"Oh," Justin said, and dared a look at JC.

JC looked pissed and then he looked shocked, like he realized he was pissed and was scared by it. Then his mouth flattened out, became a grim straight line and Justin turned back, saw Chris kiss the guy he was talking to. He saw the guy's hand tighten on Chris's jaw as their mouths clung together, watched Chris pull away after a moment and smile. The guy smiled back. Holy crap, Justin thought. He hadn't realized--Chris, he thought, and looked down at the table. His heart was beating really hard and fast still, and the sick churning of his stomach was stronger, like the way he sometimes felt before important shows.

"Shit," JC said, and his voice was panicked, raw. Hurt. "Shit shit shit. Justin. Stay here." Justin looked up at that, saw that Chris and the guy were walking around the bar, heading over to the side exit. Chris didn't even look over at the table to make sure Justin was ok or anything and Justin wished he'd listened to JC and left.

JC reached over and grabbed Joey's shoulder, hissed, "Look after Justin!" at him and then vanished out onto the dance floor.

"Fine," Joey said, calling out to JC's retreating back. He looked over at Justin. "You ok? You need stitches or anything?" He had lipstick on his face and neck now.

Justin shook his head no.

"Great," Joey said, and turned away.

 

 

Chris was at the very end of an alley two streets back from the club. He was with the guy from before and they were kissing again, the guy pressing Chris up against the wall, the two of them partially hidden from view by a dumpster. They obviously thought they were alone.

They weren't.

JC was watching them, hands resting by his sides. He was so still Justin wasn't sure he was breathing. He didn't know what was going on. He thought maybe he should go get Joey.

He didn't move.

Justin was used to a certain amount of weirdness. He'd grown up in the South, where the best family stories were whispered and always tinged with the unknown. He'd grown up under the jaundiced eye of the entertainment world, learned that it was possible to create things that weren't true at all, that one could turn drab cardboard sets into wonderlands that would enchant tv audiences. He understood that he himself had that kind of power, could summon something inside himself and go from being Justin to being Justin, turn himself into something people didn't want to turn away from, marveled at.

But this--the still silence of the alleyway, unbroken except for the sounds of Chris and someone else breathing, framed by JC standing there, furious sorrow on his face and his eyes steady, unblinking--this was a different kind of weirdness altogether. He didn't like it, wanted it to end. But he couldn't do anything, couldn't do more than stand there and watch. It was like he'd stumbled into a peeled back corner of the world, a darker heart beating behind the rhythm of everyday life.

"Do you know who you were with?" the guy said to Chris, pulling back from him a bit and running a hand down his chest. "Not the one I met earlier. But the other one, the--"

"Shut up," Chris said. "We have to hurry-- _oh,_ " His head fell back and Justin saw the guy had his hand down Chris's pants. He closed his eyes really fast and then opened them just as quick again. His head ached and burned where it had been cut. The sting of it pressed behind his eyes.

"You do know," the guy said. "Why are you with him?"

"He doesn't matter," Chris said. "Jesus. Just--yeah, there." He grabbed the guy, pulled him in close, and the guy grinned, shifted his hand a little bit and kissed Chris again.

"It's been a long time for you, hasn't it?" he said and his accent dropped into something deeper and even more guttural than the German Justin was getting used to hearing.

"Shut up, shut up," Chris said frantically. "What part of that don't you get? I don't want to talk." He slid one of his hands down the guy's stomach, tugged at his belt.

The guy laughed, low and pleased, and said something that Justin guessed was German again, although it sounded more like a dog bark than anything else. Chris stiffened, throwing his head back and saying "yeah, like that," and a lot of curse words under his breath, and Justin stared at his closed eyes.

Then Chris's eyes flew open and he sniffed once, like he'd finally realized he was in an alley near an open dumpster. "Go away," he said and Justin knew Chris wasn't talking to him. Chris never talked to him like that, never spoke to him in a voice so shaded with anger and pleading.

 _I shouldn't be seeing this_ , Justin thought, and still didn't move.

"Sure," JC said. "You'll just come find me when you're done, right? That sound good?"

"Why don't you get out of here, you fucking butcher," the guy said, turning to glare at JC. "Cause I don't need the moon to want to--"

"Shut up," JC said. "I'm not talking to you," and the guy growled-- _growled_ \--back.

"You don't understand," Chris said. "Just--look. One time, ok? I need--"

"Oh," JC said. "I didn't get that before, but sure. Go ahead. And hey, when you're done, why don't you bring what's his name here back to the hotel? You could introduce him around. I bet he'd love to meet everyone. And then maybe you could let him check out the bus. In fact, why don't I just pretend I didn't see anything and not worry about it till it's time to fucking box everyone up and ship what's left of them home."

"JC--" Chris said, and his voice cracked.

"You think I'm going to let you hurt everyone? You think I'm going to let you put Justin and Lance and Joey in danger just because you want to fuck? "

In danger? How? Justin thought and he must have said it because Chris's eyes widened and his face paled, and he looked past JC and saw Justin, finally saw him standing there. And when he did Chris's expression collapsed, like he was going to cry or worse and JC turned around. He looked furious, and then the guy that was standing with Chris looked at Justin too and it wasn't a nice look, he looked like he wanted to hurt Justin, like he could hurt Justin, and his pointed teeth were grinning, grinning.

Justin didn't know what to do or where to look, it was like there was all this stuff going on that he couldn't see but he knew was there, could hear it inside his head loud and strong, a song he didn't recognize. JC grabbed his arm and Justin could feel it all the way down to the bone, JC's fingers pressing against his skin, waking him, and then JC was staring at him, shaking him, and his voice was soft but like a scream in Justin's ear. "Go find Joey. Now. Run."

Justin ran. It was like his legs couldn't stop and now that they'd been given permission to move they wanted nothing more than to carry him far away, take him to a place where he could pretend he hadn't seen anything other than JC and Chris fighting about something stupid, something he could understand.

He found Joey inside and shoved his hand between him and the girl he was dancing with. Joey started to yell but stopped when he saw his face.

"What is it?" he said and Justin grabbed Joey's hand and kept running.

"Something's going on," he said when they got outside. "JC and Chris and --just come on!"

"Ok, ok," Joey said and they ran back behind the building and down to the alley. The alley was empty. Justin looked around, confused.

"They were just here," he said. His head ached and burned where it had been cut and what he knew he'd just seen seemed unreal. He couldn't quite remember what JC and Chris had been so upset about.

Joey sighed. "What is it with you guys ruining my action?"

"You don't understand" Justin said. "They were--"

"It's ok," Joey said, and patted Justin's head. "I understand."

No you don't, Justin wanted to say. You can't understand because I was there and I don't get it. He settled for ducking away from Joey's hand.

"This thing with JC and Chris," Joey said, "whatever the fuck it is, they've got to work it out on their own. You shouldn't worry about it. You can't worry about it. Besides, those two are not the guys to watch if you're looking for pointers. Who knows when they last got laid? They're always jerking off and--" He broke off and cleared his throat. "Anyway."

"Just take me back to the hotel, ok?" Justin said.

"Sure," Joey said and patted his head again. Justin glared at him but Joey just smiled back and put an arm around his shoulders.

 

 

JC was already on the bus when Justin got on the next morning. He was asleep, stretched out across two seats. Justin nudged him and JC blinked, sat up and ran a hand through his hair. There was a stain on his shirtsleeve, up past his elbow, a dark brown-red spreading spot.

"Hey sleepy," Joey said, getting on and pushing past Justin. He sat down and poked JC's side.

"Hey," JC said, wincing a little. "What's up?"

"What's that on your arm?" Justin asked.

"Oh," JC said. "I bumped into the stairwell last night. Caught my shirt and stuff, cut my arm. I guess it's still bleeding a little."

"Quick, someone go get the great Chasez a bandage," Chris said, walking onto the bus. He looked terrible, yellowish pale. He was wearing a huge dark gray turtleneck sweater and he'd pulled the neck up as high as it would go. JC stared at him for a moment and then pulled a book out of his bag and started reading, turning so he couldn't see Chris. Chris snorted and sat down, put his feet up on the seat next to JC's. JC moved his feet away and Justin watched Chris's mouth tighten into a frown.

He tried to get Chris to play video games or something but Chris said "no" sharply and turned to look out the window. JC just waved his book whenever anyone tried to talk to him. Joey was taping Lance making faces at passing cars and Justin was so bored he went to watch them for a while. When he came back later, Chris had leaned forward a bit in his seat and was staring at JC, his eyes dark and glittering. As Justin watched, Chris put a finger at the top of JC's book and pushed it down. JC looked at him.

"I had to," he said. "You didn't leave me any other choice. And you're lucky--."

"Oh yeah," Chris said. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

JC flushed then, dark rich red, and turned away. "I didn't mean to--I didn't mean to hurt you."

Chris's face dropped into an expression Justin couldn't name. "I know," he said quietly. "JC--look. I..." He sniffed once, and then turned towards Justin.

"Oh hey," he said, and his voice was normal, the urgency he'd been speaking with before gone. "You wanna sit down?"

Justin sat down. After a while JC said he was going to take a nap and Chris agreed to play video games. Chris really was a lot of fun. Justin wished JC wasn't always acting all weird and making Chris angry.

"Sorry about JC," he said after a while. "He's kind of a jerk sometimes, huh?"

"He looks out for everyone," Chris said sharply. "You included. Don't pick that box up."

"Oh," Justin said and watched as his character exploded. He passed the controller to Chris. Chris took it and started playing. There was a scratch on his neck, long and deep. He saw Justin glancing at it and pulled the neck of his sweater up.

 

 

Lou wouldn't give them a day off. He said they could have the morning off but that they had to be on the bus by seven and that was it. "It's still a day off, " he said when Chris protested. "You'll be on the bus at night. What's the problem?"

"That's not a day off," JC said. "You don't know--we can't do it. Do you hear me? We  _can't_ \--"

"You have to," Lou said. "The festival opens at ten and you've got to be there by eight for soundcheck. I'm giving you your *day* off, just like I promised."

"And no," he added, when JC started to speak again. "This is not open for discussion. I don't want to hear another word. "

Chris was in a really bad mood all day and didn't want to go out. He said he thought he was getting a cold. Justin ended up going to the movies with Lance, which was ok, and then working on his homework for a while, which wasn't any fun at all.

"Man, you look terrible," Joey said when JC got on the bus and JC said yeah, he had a pretty bad cold. He said that maybe Justin and Lance should ride on the other bus since the band had left with the rest of the crew earlier and there was room. Justin didn't think that was a very good idea but Lance did and Lance's mom did and his mom did so he didn't have much choice. Joey said he'd come with them because he'd just gotten over a cold himself. "Besides, who wants to listen to Chris and JC wheeze all night?" he said to Justin, slinging an arm around his shoulders.

"Not me," Justin said, but he wasn't going anywhere. He could have a whole bus ride with Chris, since JC would just sleep or whatever. Justin wanted that. So he faked sick, coughed and said he didn't feel so good once he got on the other bus, and his mom sent him back over to JC's bus when they stopped for gas.

JC didn't want to let him on but Justin pointed at his mom, who waved and called out, "Sorry, but I don't want a cold myself!"

The bus was really quiet. JC said Chris was asleep although Justin thought he heard someone moving around in the back.

"Just the bus rattling," JC said and offered to make hot chocolate.

It was really good hot chocolate, extra thick and sweet. Sometimes JC was ok. Justin took the cup and sat down on the sofa, drinking and watching the sky get darker and darker as they got farther away from the city. He was actually pretty tired now that he thought about it. He'd rest for a minute and then he'd go find Chris.

 

 

His head hurt when he woke up. He was probably getting JC's cold for real or something. That sucked, but at least his throat wasn't sore or anything. He got up to go get in his bunk and decided to check and see if Chris was awake.

Chris wasn't in his bunk. JC wasn't in his either. Justin couldn't hear anyone talking, but he thought he heard someone breathing. He took off his shoes and tossed them into his bunk, walked towards the back of the bus.

JC and Chris were in the back, sitting right across from each other. They weren't reading or watching tv or even talking. They were just sitting there looking at each other. Justin blinked once and rubbed his eyes, not sure of what he was seeing. It looked like--he rubbed his eyes again. What he was seeing didn't disappear.

There were thick metal bands around Chris's ankles, a chain resting between them. Another pair of metal bands was around his wrists. Justin remembered JC's paper bag, the one Joey had teased him about. He remembered the tangle of metal Joey had pulled out of it and the way everything inside had clinked together as JC had walked away. There were a lot of things wrong with what he was seeing, Justin thought, but the worst thing of all was how still they both were, just sitting there staring at each other like they were the only people around. It made Justin's heart hurt, ache with a memory he knew he had but couldn't totally recall.

Chris sniffed the air delicately once, twice, and then turned towards him slowly, moving like he was underwater. Justin started to take a step forward, opened his mouth to say hello and then froze. Chris's face looked peculiar. It was dusted with fine silver hair everywhere, just like the patch of skin on his back Justin had seen that day with the photographer. His eyes looked longer too, narrower. He smiled and his mouth jutted out a bit, like it was too full of teeth.

"Come here," Chris said slowly and his voice was low, lower than Lance's even, and sounded like blood. Justin was afraid but at the same time he wanted to move closer. It was like Chris was trying to tell him something. He could almost hear Chris inside his head, whispering for Justin to come and sit beside him, singing a song Justin wanted to hear more of, had to hear more of. He took a step forward and Chris smiled more. Justin had never really noticed Chris's smile in the right way, he decided. All those teeth, so perfect, so bright. He wanted to touch them. Chris smiled more, like he wanted that too and his mouth opened a bit. Justin could see the dark red tip of his tongue.

"Chris?" he said, and he was almost close enough to touch. He could reach out and trace the line of Chris's mouth with his fingers and he was going to and Chris was waiting and he could hear all sorts of amazing things, like music and voices and everything roaring in his ears--

"Justin." JC said. He looked angry but his voice was even, calm. Soothing. A perfect counterpoint to Chris's urgency, all the threat that Chris's voice manifested pushed down, hidden somewhere where Justin knew it would never reach him. "You must be really tired."

Justin decided he was pretty tired and glanced back at Chris.

Chris wasn't looking at him anymore. He was looking at JC and Justin thought he heard Chris say JC's name, soft and deadly and with a thousand things in his voice. The air felt full and heavy suddenly, like it did when it was going to storm. Justin hoped it wouldn't rain. Rain would mean the festival would be delayed and they'd have to wait and that would suck.

"Go to sleep," JC said again, his voice still calm and quiet, the tones of it cutting over Chris's song in Justin's mind once again, muting it. Justin nodded and yawned, forgetting about the festival, and walked back to his bunk. He looked out the window before he pulled the curtain closed. The moon was bright and full in the sky. There weren't even any clouds. Weird, he thought, and closed his eyes.

 

 

Chris made him breakfast in the morning, woke Justin up and handed him a bowl of cereal.

"I was pretty tired last night," he said. "I took a bunch of cold medicine too so..." He cleared his throat. "I hope I didn't act all spacey or scare you or anything."

"What?" Justin said. "You were fine. I was tired too." He sneezed. "This cold sucks." Chris's teeth looked way less cool and shiny in the morning light and his face was heavy with dark stubble.

"You know, JC wanted you to stay on the bus with your mom," Chris said.

"Yeah, but--"

"You should listen to him," Chris said. He ruffled Justin's hair. His hand was shaking a little.

"Ok," Justin said.

 

 

It just figured that the one night Justin finally got Chris to agree to do something with him Lance's mom decided that hey, it might be a good idea for Lance to go out too. So there they were, the three of them, which was not what Justin had wanted at all.

"This is pretty boring," Lance whispered to Justin and Justin glared but didn't say anything. Lance was right. Justin couldn't remember the last time he'd been so bored.

Chris had decided they should go eat and they'd been sitting in a dumpy café near the hotel for over an hour, picking at cruddy food while Chris shredded napkins and looked out the window.

Lance kicked him under the table and said, "Boring!" again.

"Hey!" Justin said, and then lowered his voice even though Chris was still staring out the window and not even looking at either one of them. "This wasn't my idea. Well, I mean, it was but--you know."

"I read about a place," Lance said and Justin was just desperate enough to listen.

 

 

Chris said he didn't care what they did and said fine, whatever, when Lance said where he wanted to go.

"It's a club," Lance said. "And it's supposed to have really great live music. I read about it in one of my mom's guidebooks."

 

 

It was a club. And it did have live music.

Live piano music.

Live slow boring piano music.

Figured.

Justin glared at Lance and then said, "Man, you suck."

"I thought it was going to be different," Lance said. "It said live music."

"Yeah well," Justin said and then turned to Chris. "Let's go, ok?"

"Hell yes," Chris said. "I can't believe I paid ten--oh." He stopped talking and stared out into the club. Justin looked too. He didn't see anything interesting, just a bunch of people sitting around.

"You coming?" he asked Chris. Lance was already at the door.

Chris didn't hear him. He was still staring. Justin looked again and saw JC sitting at one of the tables in the back, talking to one of the roadies that had been hired for the show they'd done earlier. Justin wasn't sure of his name, or what JC was doing there.

He had a better idea of what JC was doing there when he saw JC lean over and touch the guy's face, smiling a small private smile.

He still wasn't sure of the guy's name but the guy knew who they were because when he looked over and saw them he said something to JC, carefully drawing back and away from JC's touch, his mouth turning to catch JC's open palm as he did. JC looked surprised and then glanced over at them. He didn't look happy to see them. In fact, he looked annoyed.

"Come on," Justin said. He didn't like how Chris looked, kind of mad and sort of mean and sort of something else that was all directed at JC.

"Hold on a second," Chris said. "I'm just gonna go say hello."

"Lance is already outside," Justin said.

"Yeah, one minute," Chris said. He started walking across the room. Justin sighed and went and got Lance. Lance had to pay to get back in because the doorman claimed to not remember him and he didn't have any money so Justin had to loan it to him.

"I'm never going out with you again," Lance said when they were back inside.

"Fine with me," Justin said, and looked around for Chris. Chris had gone over to JC's table and as Justin watched he leaned over, said something to JC. JC replied and then Chris smiled the smile he used when someone was pissing him off and turned to the roadie. He said something else and the roadie glanced at JC, who shook his head no and glared at Chris. Chris shrugged and walked away.

 

 

Chris said he wanted to stay for a while and so they did even though Lance kicked Justin under the table and said, "Let's just go already," when Chris was over at the bar. Justin pretended he couldn't hear him over the music.

He thought Chris was going to pick a fight with JC or something, that maybe he was--Justin's stomach hurt a little when he thought about it--jealous, but Chris just drank his beer and listened to the music. He didn't look at JC at all.

Justin looked over at JC when the next song ended. JC was talking to the roadie, their heads bent close together, the roadie's hand carefully brushing against JC's. But JC was looking over at their table and his mouth was twisted into a frown.

The piano player finished up a song that sounded exactly like the three others he'd played and announced that he was going to take a break. Chris said he was ready to go.

"Just let me say goodbye to JC first," and his voice was bitter, thick with anger and something Justin didn't want to label.  _Jealousy_ , his mind chanted.  _You know all about that, don't you?_

"Fine," Lance said. "Me and Justin will be outside."

Justin told Lance he'd left his wallet on the table right after Lance had walked outside. When he got back to the table Chris was standing next to JC. Justin watched, a sick sinking feeling in his stomach, saw Chris shake the roadie's hand and then bend down and whisper something in JC's ear, staring at the roadie the whole time. Justin watched the roadie swallow and slide his chair back a bit. JC didn't move while Chris was talking to him, but Justin saw his hand clench and unclench around the glass he was holding. Chris reached out and touched the edge of JC's hand with his, almost like an accident but not quite, and JC yanked his hand back like he had been burned.

Justin went outside after that. It was raining. He looked over at Lance.

"Figures, huh?" Lance said. Justin nodded. It really did.

Chris came out a few seconds later. He was smiling, but it wasn't a very nice smile.

"Let's go," he said.

They'd made it about three blocks before JC caught up with them. Justin didn't hear him coming, but Chris stopped as they were walking down the street, turning his face up like he smelled something.

"Hey JC," he said just as JC rounded the corner.

"I want to talk to you," JC said quietly. "Hey Justin, hey Lance. Chris and I will catch up to you in a second."

Lance shrugged and started walking again. Justin stood there for a moment, watching until Chris raised an eyebrow at him.

He stopped again at the end of the next corner, turned back to look at Chris and JC. They were still standing in the middle of the sidewalk a block back.

JC pushed his wet hair out of his face, blinking up at the rain. He said something and Chris shrugged, looked down at the ground for a second. Then he looked back at JC, leaned in and slid his fingers under the collar of JC's shirt, pulled out his necklace. He traced the edges of the pendant and then tugged on it a little. JC swayed forward a bit and Chris said something. Justin could see his mouth moving. He saw JC watching Chris's mouth too.

When Chris was done talking, JC leaned in even closer. Justin watched something in his face change, melt away, and JC closed his eyes. He and Chris were standing right next to each other now, the light from the streetlight barely visible between them. Then JC shook his head and opened his eyes, took a step back, pulling his necklace away from Chris's fingers. Chris's face fell, and then went carefully blank.

"Justin!" Lance hollered. "It's really starting to pour. Hurry up, will you?"

Justin shoved his hands in his pockets and turned away, ran to catch up with Lance. When he looked back again, JC was walking by himself, Chris a shadow behind him.

 

 

The after party thing Lou had set up was pretty cool although Justin did sneak out of it early. He liked signing autographs a lot but some of the fans were kind of grabby and that wasn't all that much fun. He sort of wished Chris had been there, even though Chris had spent the whole day bitching about how Lou had made them perform on their day off, going on and on about it until Justin had actually been ready to applaud when JC had finally told Chris to shut up and just not come to the after party. But still. He'd missed Chris.

He went and said goodnight to his mom, who was staying with Mrs. Bass on a different floor of the hotel. Lance was with them, talking on the phone.

"I think Lance is going to stay here tonight," his mom whispered to him. "He just got some bad news about his uncle. He's in the hospital."

Mrs. Bass looked pretty upset so Justin gave her a hug and then told Lance he hoped everything would be ok. Inside, though, he was cheering. It was sad about Lance's uncle and all but he was going to have the room to himself. He could ask Chris to come over and hang out for a while without Lance being around.

His palms were all sweaty when he knocked on Chris's door. There was a note taped to it and Justin recognized Chris's handwriting. It was for Joey, who was sharing a room with Chris, but Justin read it anyway.

Gone out, the note said. Back in the morning. Behave! And then there were some stick figures doing stuff--Justin blushed and then looked at the drawing very closely--underneath. He kicked the door and flinched at the sound, then went to his room and flopped on the bed. Great. No Chris.

JC's room was next to his and Justin could hear him moving around.

"Take the pills or I'll make you take them," JC said, and his voice was surprisingly loud. Normally they could all hear each other because the hotels Lou stuck them in apparently had walls made of cardboard or something, but JC must not have known anyone else was back yet. He was usually a lot quieter.

"Go ahead and try," someone said back and Justin realized it was Chris. His voice didn't sound quite the same, sounded more like it had that night on the bus, deeper and sort of dangerous. It made his breath catch. Chris's voice was like a song.

"Fine," JC said sharply, and there was a loud thumping noise, then another, and a faint rattling sound. Like metal. Chains. Justin swallowed and got off the bed, crept over towards the wall.

"I'm pretty sleepy now," Chris said a few moments later and his voice was mocking, which was normal, but the violence in it wasn't. "You wanna loosen these a little?" The faint rattling metal sound echoed again.

"You can stare and order all you want," JC said. "It doesn't work on me."

"Come here," Chris said and his voice had dipped into something else, something that made Justin's skin prickle. He wished Chris was talking to him. He might, if he knew Justin was there. He should could go over and say hi. He started walking towards the door.

"Why?" JC said, and Justin froze. JC's voice had gone softer, thicker, dipped into that same something else Chris's had, an echoing melody. He leaned in towards the wall again.

He didn't hear anything but silence then, a thick soft lull. He didn't like it--it made his stomach knot up--but he couldn't stop leaning against the wall, listening.

"You," JC hissed suddenly and his voice was furious, wounded. There was a loud thump.

"I didn't--" Chris, said and then his voice dropped into something else, something that sounded a little like words but a lot more like a growl. There was the sound of a chair dragging across the floor and the faint rattle of metal again. Then the growling noise again, absolutely nothing like words now. It made the hairs on Justin's arm rise.

He decided he'd go down and say hi to his mother, make sure Lance was really doing ok.

 

 

JC was the last one on the bus in the morning and he was late, really late. Chris had already gone to look for him twice, his face creased with worry. JC ran on the bus when Chris had just gotten off to look for him the third time, his bag slung over his shoulder, his head bowed.

"You ok?" Lance said and JC nodded, said he'd overslept.

"Hey," Joey said, tilting his head to one side and angling it down so he could see JC, "what the hell happened to your face?"

JC shrugged and looked up. His lip was split, cracked open across the bottom and swollen.

"Nothing," he said. "It's just a cut."

"It looks really bad," Lance said. "You want me to go get my mom? She's just in the back and--"

"I'm fine," JC said.

"I can't find JC anywhere. Maybe we should--oh." Chris said, running onto the bus, fingers poised to run through his hair like he did whenever he was upset. "Hey."

JC looked at Chris, his face expressionless, and then turned back to the rest of them. "I'm gonna go lie down." He disappeared into the back.

 

 

It was the worst bus ride ever. JC decided he was going to take a nap and hollered anytime anyone did anything. Chris sat down and didn't talk to anyone, just sat staring out the window. After four hours even Joey started to look a little freaked out by the quiet, laughed and said, "Ok, Chris, do you know this is the longest you've gone without talking? Are you feeling alright?"

Chris looked at him steadily. "Shut the fuck up," he said, and after that he didn't say another word.

No one else did either.

 

 

When Justin woke up his feet hurt and his throat ached and he hadn't been asleep for nearly long enough. He was sorry his mom and Lance's had flown on ahead to wait for them in Bonn. Lou didn't usually schedule quite so many shows when they were around.

"I wasn't the only one in the room, JC," Chris said, and his voice was whisper quiet. "You were there too, you know."

"It's not going to happen again."

"It was just a kiss."

Justin's stomach clenched.

"Just a kiss," JC said and sounded like he did whenever someone said something stupid. "I probably needed stitches and--"

Justin rolled over and opened his bunk curtain a bit. JC was standing down at the end of the bunks, his back against the wall, hands braced on either side of him. Chris was standing right in front of him and as Justin watched Chris leaned in, his mouth brushing across JC's, just barely touching. JC's eyes fluttered closed and he moved towards Chris, their bodies sliding together almost like they were dancing. Almost like dancing but it wasn't. It was something different, something that wasn't done for other people to see. Justin didn't turn away.

JC lifted his hands away from the wall and slid them around to the back of Chris's head and then up to tangle in his hair. Chris's eyes closed and he leaned in against JC, their hips rocking back and forth, JC's legs coming up to lock around his. Chris lifted them so they were higher, wrapped around his waist, and murmured a long low sound that echoed like a song in Justin's head. JC shuddered, his head falling back and then he and Chris were kissing, bending their heads together, their mouths open and moving across each other's. Justin watched Chris's mouth open further, saw the wet glide of his tongue over and into JC's mouth, saw the way he was careful with JC's cut lip, easing over the healing split. Justin ground his hips against his bunk so hard he saw stars even though his eyes were open.

JC said, "Yes, there," his voice no longer quite a whisper but still low, urgent, and a counterpoint to the melody Chris had started unfolding inside Justin's head. Chris gasped, like he heard it too, and then he and JC were moving together, rocking hard and fast against each other. Justin shuddered and felt sticky warm wet on his belly, his throat spasming with jealously and songs he knew he wasn't ever supposed to hear. He felt even more tired suddenly; a quick sharp burst of exhaustion, and blinked slowly, his eyes sliding closed and opening slowly.

There was silence for a long time and then JC said, "I don't want this."

Chris laughed, quiet and cruel. "Liar."

"Get off me," JC said, but his voice was unsteady.

"You want to fuck me. You've wanted that since-how long? Since we met?"

"Shut up."

"And you still do--"

"I didn't. I don't."

"I can't help what I am," Chris said and Justin had never seen Chris look like he did then, his expression urgent and not shielded by anything. "I didn't have a choice. You didn't either. But now--you--I can't even think of anything else, not even when the moon is full. I know what you-- "

"Don't," JC breathed. "Don't say it. Just--"

"You want me," Chris said. "I know you do. I can smell it all over you."

JC shuddered. "I can't--I'm not. I'll kill you if I have to. You know that--"

"I know you will," Chris said and his voice was a satisfied hum. "I know you. We aren't that different. You know I'm right. You want this. You want--"

"Shut up," JC said and stopped Chris's voice with his mouth. Justin watched Chris's mouth open under JC's. He felt his body start to stir and his throat, which still felt scratchy and achy, let loose a low soft sound. It didn't sound like a song at all.

JC lifted his head away from Chris's and looked back towards the bunks for a moment. Justin ducked back inside, let the curtain fall closed. He pressed his face into his pillow and waited, an erection insistent against his stomach. He told himself he wasn't going to get up and then did anyway, crept down the hall. Joey was snoring, light and even, and he could hear the whistling sounds of Lance's breathing.

JC and Chris were in the back, naked and pressed together. Justin lifted one hand to his mouth, the flat of his thumb against his lips and felt his mouth open on a sound he knew he had to keep silent. JC was bent over Chris, eyes closed, Chris's back arching up towards him. Justin blinked hard, his eyes hot and gritty, and saw JC press his mouth to the skin on Chris's back, sliding across the patch of hair that lay between his shoulder blades. Chris gasped, his back arching and somehow rippling--Justin could see the play of muscles under Chris's skin, watch them rise and fall like a wave, a movement that didn't quite look real, didn't look human. JC moaned, his hands braced against Chris's hips, and Justin saw the shadowy flutter of one of them as it slid around to Chris's stomach, tracing across it and down.

"I--" JC said and his mouth opened like he was going to scream.

"Don't stop," Chris said, and his back arched again, rippling. Justin watched as it seemed to spread across Chris's skin, running up his arms, his neck, the muscles of his face pausing and shifting for the merest instant. JC bent down, mouth open, and pressed his lips and teeth against Chris's back, right against the patch that gleamed silver and bright.

"Yes," Chris said, chanted, and his body rippled over and over again. Justin watched silver bloom and fade across his skin, watched as JC froze, his eyes flying open, staring right at him but not seeing him at all. He knew JC wasn't seeing anything past Chris and so he stayed, watching.

 

 

JC and Chris didn't talk to each other at all in the morning. They didn't even look at each other. After a while Justin wondered if maybe he'd dreamed the whole thing, if maybe the sticky patches he'd found on his stomach when he woke up and the gritty heavy red feel of his eyes came from being exhausted, as if his mind was circling around, dreaming.

Then JC walked down the bus aisle chewing on a pen. He asked Joey if he knew where his sneakers were and Chris, who was reading a magazine, looked up. A low sound came out of his throat, like a sigh but softer, and Justin saw JC pause and turn his face towards Chris's. Their eyes only met for a moment but it was enough. The very beginning of a song bloomed inside Justin's head and he knew it wasn't a dream.

None of it was.

 

 

As far as interviewers went, Justin thought the one they were talking to was pretty cute. He could tell Joey thought so too. He kept pulling his chair closer to hers, leaning in every time she turned even sort of towards him.

"We'll take questions from the audience in a minute," she said, "But first we have to find out all the group's deep dark secrets."

Everyone laughed and Justin looked out at the crowd. All those smiling faces. He waved a little and listened as the roar of the audience grew. It was an amazing feeling.

"Chris, you founded the group," the interviewer said. "What made you decide on--?" She swept an arm out over the rest of them, smiling. She had dimples.

"I guess you could say I *had* to pick them," Chris said and then grinned, a quicksilver smile. Everyone laughed and applauded, even the interviewer.

Justin bit his lip and looked at Chris. Chris was looking at JC, his smile smaller, more private. JC wasn't laughing. He was staring back at Chris, his eyes hot and shadowed.

"Well," Justin said. "What actually happened was that I met Chris at an audition and he told me he was thinking of getting a group together. He called me and I said--"

The interviewer's gaze swung towards him and Justin could feel the audience holding its breath, waiting. He kept talking and smiled into eyes that were looking just at him.


End file.
